As I have stated before I like to observe married couples. Why do I do this? To be honest I do it to help me with my own marriage. To learn. I observe couples as a unit and I observe husbands and wives as individuals. This post focuses on some things I have learned from observing husbands ( my own included).
There are things that women do that their husbands have issues with. Here are the 5 most common that I have noticed.
- Letting herself go – This is something that men usually do not admit outright but they notice. They realize that their wife now favors yoga pants over a cute pair of jeans and hats have replaced hairstyles. I can’t imagine that my husband gets too excited when he comes home to me wearing the same nightshirt and sweats that I was wearing when he went to work.
- Sharing marital problems with others – When a wife has an problem in the marriage her man wants her to communicate the issue to him, not to her girlfriends or other family members. He wants to be respected enough as her husband to be spoken to first so together they can work out the issue as a couple. He does not want her to come to him last after her thoughts have already been clouded by the opinions and advice from individuals outside of the marriage. If the issue can not be resolved together then as a couple they should seek outside guidance from a third party they both trust.
- Treating him like a kid – Whether you have children or not, your husband is not one of them and does not like being treated like one. What I have realized from my husband is that it’s all in the tone. Men do not like being spoken to in the same tone that their wives use to speak to the children.
- Being insecure about other women – Men find it annoying when every time they mention another woman (whether it be a co-worker or a childhood friend) the conversation gets cut off because their wife begins grilling them about who the woman is, what she looks like and if she has ever met her before. I understand if there have been issues with trust in the past which causes the wife to feel insecure but if you have forgiven your spouse you have to trust that it won’t happen again and not expect that it will.
- Not showing appreciation – Like women, men also like to feel appreciated. They do not like to just be told what to do or what they are not doing wrong. Men like to be appreciated for what they are doing right. When they feel appreciate they desire to do more of the “little things” grows.
Ladies, don’t worry the list of thigs we have issues with when it comes to our husbands will be done…it will just be hard to edit it to just 5 things, lol.
I made this a few months ago and it was so good I wanted to share the recipe with you!
- 1 Package smoked sausage (such as Hillshire Farms)
- 1 Medium cabbage
- 1 Medium onion
- 1 Can diced tomatoes
- About 1/2 stick of butter or butter substitute
- Favorites seasonings
- Cut up cabbage and onion
- Place in a large frying pan and saute in the butter until softened
- Cut up sausage and add to cooked cabbage/onion mixture
- Add can of diced tomatoes (including the liquid)
- Cover and continue to cook on medium/low until sausage is heated.
- I used a strainer to take everything out of the pan to reduce the amount of liquid
- Season to taste
- Eat and enjoy
Recently I heard a woman say that it seemed like her marriage was in a rut and she and her husband have become just friends. To me this is no good. Should you BE friends with your spouse? Of course! Should you BECOME friends with your spouse? No! In relationships, the one thing that neither party wants to hear from the other is the that dreaded 7 words, “I think we should just be friends”. Marriage is no different. Becoming friends with your spouse is a step back.
Friendship is what should start the relationship. It is the foundation. As cliché as it sounds, you should be friends first. The key word being first. As a friendship both parties may begin to develop romantic feelings or a “spark” may start to evolve. These feelings cause a shift in expectations as well as behaviors.
Once you have decided to be “more than friends” your expectations should change. You should begin to expect more from one another in some of the following ways:
- Emotional Support
- Time spent together
- Familial involvement
On to behaviors. After you have evolved into a relationship your behaviors towards one another also evolve. You have verbally expressed your feelings through sharing your expectations and you now have the desire to express your feelings in other ways. Affection and intimacy is now being added by engaging in any of the following:
- Holding hands
- Sweet talk
- Having sex
Note: I am not saying that when moving a relationship beyond just friends you must do all the above. I am saying that affection and intimacy may be expressed through any of the above.
These things don’t typically occur when just friends.
Friend zone = Danger zone
So let’s get back to becoming friends with your spouse. Do you see how becoming friends with your spouse is a dangerous place to be? I just listed ways that a friendship may change when you just take things to the next level. Marriage is the ultimate level of a relationship and requires the largest commitment of all the things listed and much much more. At this point you are married and definitely should be engaging in all of the above. If you feel that you and your spouse are back in the friend zone that means your exceptions of what you require from one another has decreased and the affection and intimacy (or “spark”) is diminishing. When you require less at some point you begin to care less and that is a dangerous place for spouses to be.
So where do you go from here? Well I don’t believe it is too late as long as both parties have the desire and passion to get out of the friend zone. In most cases it was not consciously decided to go from spouses to friends. Life happened. Children, work, or other responsibilities took priority over your relationship with one another.
Next week for the Marital Monday feature I will share some ideas I came up with of how to get your marriage out of the friend zone.
update: Here is Has Your Spouse Become Your Friend? pt 2
My husband introduced me to this workout a few years ago. It is a great alternative if you can not make it to the gym or if you are just looking for some at home workouts.
You will need:
Once you have a deck a cards designate an exercise for each suit. Write it down on a little piece of paper to refer back to. Here is an example:
- Clubs = Crunches
- Hearts = Jumping Jacks
- Spades = Squats
- Diamonds = Push Ups
You decided. If you have weights maybe make one of the exercises bicep curls. That is the beauty of this workout, you can do whatever you like.
Once you have designated the exercises you can begin. Shuffle the deck good. Pick a card and do the exercise that correlates and then put the card to the side. For instance, if you pick the 10 of diamonds do 10 pushups. If the next card is the 8 of spades do 8 squats and so on. For face cards we do the following:
- Jacks = 11
- Queens = 12
- Kings = 13
- Aces = 14
*For an extra challenge include jokers and when a joker is picked do 5 of each exercise.
Keep going through the cards until you complete the deck. You will find that although this is a simple concept it is a very challenging workout.
My husband and I were recently joking around. He can tend to be a pessimist at times which he fully acknowledges. I told him that he never showed that trait until we got married. He laughed and told me that before we married I just did not see it because I had my “love goggles” on. I laughed and then thought. I thought about how many married women (myself included) complain about their husbands changing after saying “I do”. Have they in fact changed or did we just have our “love goggles” on before we got married? I think it may be a little of both.
I agree before we married I did have “love goggles” on. I saw only the best qualities in this wonderful man that I just knew I would be spending the rest of my life with. I honestly can not remember noticing any irritating qualities in him before that magical day. However, after that day I noticed that my dear husband tends to think the negative at times, drag out stories, and gets easily distracted by the TV no matter what might be on. It would be crazy to think that a 38- year old man just started doing these things three years ago. They had to have been there all the time but I was looking through the “love goggles” and did not notice them.
These goggles distort the image we have of the one we are in love with and hope to spend the rest of our lives with. We only see the perfect mate that we want to see. Do not get me wrong. I love my husband with all of my heart. He is the love of my life, but he does have qualities that irritate me. I just do not understand why we chose not to see certain things, that are right in front of us because we are in love. If they did not irritate me then, why do I allow them to irritate me now? The answer I came up with is a simple one…. I took off my “love goggles”. I did not take them off knowingly, there was just a point when they came off.
As young women when we think of our “boyfriend” or “fiance” we see this wonderful man that has the ability to make our hearts flutter and our knees weak. Then we marry and the fiance is now our husband. Over time when we think of our “husband” we see this man that sits on the couch and watches TV, a man that comes home from work gives you a quick peck on the lips and simply asks, “whats for dinner?”. We then get frustrated with this man and complain that he has changed. I know my husband may not be as romantic as he was when were were dating or during our engagement. But I did not fall in love with him because of the things he did, I fell in love with him because of the person he was (which he still is).
So now what? Well, I plan to pull those “love goggles” out of the drawer, dust them off and put them back on. I am sure I will still get irritated when he takes too long to get to a point or immediately walks in a room and turns his attention to the TV that may be on. However, I am not going to forget about all of the great things about him that continues to make my heart flutter and my knees weak. This is the man that chose me to spend the rest of his life with and who I chose to spend the rest of mine. He is my best friend, the father of my children, my lover, my soul mate, and my husband!