Author: Patricia M

Marital Monday: It’s More Than Just Another Year

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Have you ever heard the song “Anniversary” by Tony Toni Tone.  I have always loved that song. I remember years ago it was my parents anniversary and we were sitting in the living room. I turned on the stereo and that song was playing. Of course I made them get up and dance because it was their anniversary.  They happily obliged.

My husband and I just recently celebrated our wedding anniversary. We enjoyed the afternoon with just the two of us.  It was really nice. Something you may not realize is that my birthday is 8 days before our anniversary which is fun for me but not my husband, lol.

This year after celebrating both of these occasions I started thinking. I always get super excited for my birthday. I reflect on my past year and make goals for the new year to come. I am sure many of you do the same. However, when our anniversary comes we enjoy one another and reminiscence about our wedding day and it usually ends there.  I am sure many of you do that as well. I find many couples celebrate their anniversary with a dinner or a trip and then leave it as that. They go on with the rest of the year with just another number added to their years of marriage.

As individuals all through the year we are continually trying to make the current year better than the previous by working towards the goals we came up with on our birthday. What if we put this same practice in place in our marriages? Let’s try it.

Be excited! We must stop looking at it as just “another” year of marriage.  It is a NEW year.  A new year of marriage that you have never seen before as a couple. Vow to make it better than the previous year.  Come up with marital goals you will be committed to work towards to achieve as a couple. Make up realistic goals but keep it interesting. Have the attitude that together the both of you can accomplish the impossible!

My prayer for you as well as myself is that in this new year of marriage you accomplish amazing things a couple. You rely on one another, encourage one another, motivate and inspire one another. Treat this year like something new! Stop treating it like just another year.

~Tricia

Marital Monday: Love and Respect

/ Patricia M / 1 Comment

I once read somewhere that wives want to feel loved while husbands want to feel respected. I must admit I often focus on the first part of that statement. I WANT TO FEEL LOVED. So, when I don’t get the amount of cuddles or tender forehead kisses I want what do I do? I get upset at my husband and question his love. How many of you do the same?  It is crazy that I do this because I know he loves me and is without a doubt in love with me.

What dawned on me was that while questioning the love I know he has I am not giving him the respect he needs. In turn, he begins to feel insulted.  I realized there are much better ways to express my needs. If I want to be cuddled more then I should sit closer to him on the couch and rest my head on him.  When I do this his natural reaction has always been to put his arm around me and kiss my forehead. Which is exactly what I wanted. See how easy that is! I did not accuse him of not loving me causing him to feel insulted. We are cuddled on the couch me feeling loved and him feeling respected.

Let me share this recent conversation with you:

(Background info:  My husband proposed to me at the waterfront in Jersey City over looking the Hudson with a perfect view of NYC on the other side).

(Scene:  In our home this past Saturday which was our wedding anniversary)

Me:  Honey do you feel like taking a drive?

Him: Where?

Me: To Jersey City

Him: What’s in Jersey City?

I gave him a look and immediately he apologized and said as soon as he asked that question, it hit him.  I  chucked and simply said that I wish it hit him before he asked “What’s in Jersey City?”

But that is where I left it.  I could have went in on him accusing him of not caring which would have led to him feeling insulted and disrespected.  That would not have been a fun way to start off our anniversary.

We went to Jersey City and sat on the benches where he proposed overlooking the Hudson and staring at the gorgeous structures of NYC on the other side. It was such a beautiful day! The weather totally reminiscent of the day we married which added to the delight.

Ladies, let’s try and change the way we address things. If you know and feel that your husband loves you don’t accuse him of not loving you. Approach the situation in a way that will leave you feeling loved and him feeling respected.

And husbands, express your love for your wife to your wife. We know it but we enjoy feeling it!

 

~Tricia

Marital Monday: 7 Tips For a Happy Marriage

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Recently I came across this article on the kidspot website and wanted to share it with you for this week’s Marital Monday.

7 Tips for a Happy Marriage

By Joanna Bounds

Even though we all hope our marriage will last forever, a third of marriages end in divorce, according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics. “Tough spots will always occur – one partner might get sick, get the sack, or need to attend to a dying parent,” says psychologist Meredith Fuller, explaining that every union will go through happy and hard times. A long-lasting marriage needs commitment, good communication and a good dose of love and affection. Try these seven tips for a happy marriage:

Create your own rituals

It could be as simple as making your husband a coffee in the morning while he lets you lie in at the weekend. Whatever you choose, a ‘couples’ ritual is a way to connect with your partner in the madness of a busy life. “The comfort of little rituals are trust giving, safety maintaining, and love enhancing – these things help us get through the day in the outside world,” says Meredith. “If your partner says they love you and demonstrates that with consistent gestures, you can believe it.”

Learn to communicate

If you or your hubby is a poor communicator, don’t just put up with it, says Meredith – being able to talk openly with your partner is a sign of a strong marriage. “Develop your skills – go to classes, read books, observe good communicators and interview them about technique, ask for feedback, practice,” she advises. “Communication skills enhance all areas of your life – home and work. Get cracking – no excuses.”

Money matters

We usually handle money in the same way as our family did, and often assume our way is best. Not so, says Meredith, who advises discussing your views on paying bills, saving and credit cards before you tie the knot. “You need to come up with the new blended way you both will do things. It’s easy to have a major joint account where you both must tell each other what you do, and a slush fund minor private account each where you can be yourself without having to justify what you spend.”

Respect and affection are deal breakers

Small gestures matter – if you want your marriage to last, keep reminding each other that you love each other and nurture your relationship with kind words. “You need to treat each other preciously – not for granted,” says Meredith. “Some people say ‘I love you’, and some people will show ‘I love you’ – make sure that your partner understands your message, and work out what you both need then try to accommodate each other.”

Adultery and jealousy are different things

No matter how hard a marriage may seem at times, and while having affair might be exciting, almost everyone involved – children included – are destined to be harmed. “Either you are in or out – never humiliate your partner by duplicity,” says Meredith. “On the other hand, if your partner is jealous, and there is no reason for this, nip it in the bud. It is not cute or sweet, it is inappropriate, and can lead to violence. Get help. See a counsellor, and explore the past and work on this.”

Make room for sex

If you and your hubby’s libidos are matched evenly, don’t worry if sex takes a back seat on having kids. If one wants more nookie than the other, however, Meredith advises making room for sex in a busy schedule. “That might mean getting enough rest and sleep the night before, cancelling any other commitments, getting the kids minded, turning off your phones and computers, and doing nice things to each other,” she says. “Think about what the other person wants, not just what you feel like giving. So, ask them, take it in turns and take your time.” She adds that it’s perfectly normal for sex to fall of the menu when kids come into the mix. “Sometimes you just have to hang in there because one of you is dog tired. It wont be dreadful forever – but if the drought goes on for too long, seek some assistance.”

Put your marriage first

Meredith adds that having a happy marriage means being prepared to take turns with life’s stages. “You can still work towards your goals, but maybe they will take longer to achieve, because right now you choose to help your husband study for a post grad course, or delay moving interstate so he can care for his elderly father.” And, for those bored with their partner, she says slow and steady beats the highs and lows of an anxious passion anytime. “There are two aspects that glue lovers together in the long term: like and respect.”

Marital Monday: The First Year

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Not long ago I was speaking to a young man who was in his second year of marriage. I asked how married life was treating him. I was surprised by his response. He said that things were going well now but that the first year was really rough. I didn’t expect that kind of honesty from him because we are nothing more than acquaintances.  I figured he would give the standard response of “It’s great” and keep it moving. Then I thought about the purpose of me asking if I only expected a generic response. I guess I was just trying to make conversation.

I thought back to our first year of marriage. I wouldn’t say it was really rough but there were issues that needed to be worked out. My husband nor I had ever lived with anyone other than college roommates before getting married. We both had to learn to adjust to sharing our space. We also had to get used to each others’ habits. During that time we learned new things about each other that didn’t come up while we were dating. We are still learning things about each other.

Think about it. You meet a total stranger and then you fall in love, get married and now live together. A few years prior you didn’t even know this person existed.   So yes, that first year is one of transition and learning. At the same time it is also fabulous.  You are waking up with this person that you love daily and celebrating a year full of “firsts” as a married couple.  I just asked my husband how he would describe our first year and the first thing that came out of his mouth was “fast”, lol.  It did go by fast.

It is important to take time and reflect on previous years of marriage if anything you do this to see how far the two of you have come as a couple.  Hopefully the issues you had then are no longer issues now.

Think back. What was your first year like?

 

~Tricia

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Marital Monday: 5 Issues Men Have With Their Wives

/ Patricia M / 1 Comment

As I have stated before I like to observe married couples. Why do I do this? To be honest I do it to help me with my own marriage. To learn. I observe couples as a unit and I observe husbands and wives as individuals. This post focuses on some things I have learned from observing husbands ( my own included).

There are things that women do that their husbands have issues with.  Here are the 5 most common that I have noticed.

  1. Letting herself go – This is something that men usually do not admit outright but they notice. They realize that their wife now favors yoga pants over a cute pair of jeans and hats have replaced hairstyles. I can’t imagine that my husband gets too excited when he comes home to me wearing the same nightshirt and sweats that I was wearing when he went to work.
  2. Sharing marital problems with others – When a wife has an problem in the marriage her man wants her to communicate the issue to him, not to her girlfriends or other family members. He wants to be respected enough as her husband to be spoken to first so together they can work out the issue as a couple. He does not want her to come to him last after her thoughts have already been clouded by the opinions and advice from individuals outside of the marriage.  If the issue can not be resolved together then as a couple they should seek outside guidance from a third party they both trust.
  3. Treating him like a kid – Whether you have children or not, your husband is not one of them and does not like being treated like one. What I have realized from my husband is that it’s all in the tone. Men do not like being spoken to in the same tone that their wives use to speak to the children.
  4. Being insecure about other women – Men find it annoying when every time they mention another woman (whether it be a co-worker or a childhood friend) the conversation gets cut off because their wife begins grilling them about who the woman is, what she looks like and if she has ever met her before.  I understand if there have been issues with trust in the past which causes the wife to feel insecure but if you have forgiven your spouse you have to trust that it won’t happen again and not expect that it will.
  5. Not showing appreciation – Like women, men also like to feel appreciated. They do not like to just be told what to do or what they are not doing wrong. Men like to be appreciated for what they are doing right. When they feel appreciate they desire to do more of the “little things” grows.

Ladies, don’t worry the list of thigs we have issues with when it comes to our husbands will be done…it will just be hard to edit it to just 5 things, lol.

~Tricia

Tasty Tuesday: Whole Wheat linguine with Italian Chicken Sausage

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This meal was super easy and super tasty!!

Ingredients:

1lb cut up Italian Sausage (I used Chicken)

1 small pepper cut

1 small onion cut

Whole wheat linguine

Olive oil

1 can diced tomatoes

Seasonings

Directions:

  1. Cook linguine according to directions on box and set aside.
  2. In a small pan add a little olive oil and saute onion and peppers until soft.
  3. In a medium pan add a little olive oil and cook sausage until browned.
  4. Add onion/pepper mixture to the medium pan with the sausage.
  5. Instead of using a heavy tomato sauce I prefer diced tomatoes. Add amount desired to the onions, peppers and sausage.
  6. Season with your favorite seasonings.
  7. Plate over linguine and enjoy!

~Tricia

Marital Monday: 112 Weddings

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Often times while I am cleaning the kitchen I find a good documentary to play on the laptop.  A couple of months ago I came across the HBO Documentary 112 Weddings on HBO Go.  This was an amazing film.

I watch it again with my husband and we paused and discussed throughout the film. The conversation it evoked between us was amazing. We shared things that we have never shared with anyone or even admitted to ourselves.

I recommend it to all! Whether you have been married for years or you are still single waiting for the one, you can benefit from this movie.

For over twenty years filmmaker Doug Block has had a side business of being a wedding videographer. In this film he follows up with a few of the 112 couples whose special day he has captured over the years. Can you imagine? He had a front view seat to all of these weddings and now 5 years…. 8years…. 20 years later he meets with them a again to talk about there experience thus far (the good and the bad). It even shares the story of 2 couples preparing to get married.

I think there are about 8 couples who are part of this documentary. The couples vary by years married, race, and lifestyle. One couple has a child with special needs, while another couple is battling depression. There are also couples that share why they are no longer married. These couples allowed themselves to be vulnerable and transparent.  There is definitely something for everyone to relate to.

Here is the trailer.

For more information about this film click here.

Watch, enjoy and please share your thoughts.

~Tricia

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Tasty Tuesday: Smoked Sausage and Cabbage

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I made this a few months ago and it was so good I wanted to share the recipe with you!

Ingredients:

  • 1 Package smoked sausage (such as Hillshire Farms)
  • 1 Medium cabbage
  • 1 Medium onion
  • 1 Can diced tomatoes
  • About 1/2 stick of butter or butter substitute
  • Favorites seasonings

Preparation:

  1. Cut up cabbage and onion
  2. Place in a large frying pan and saute in the butter until softenedwpid-wp-1421705949966.jpeg
  3. Cut up sausage and add to cooked cabbage/onion mixture
  4. Add can of diced tomatoes (including the liquid)
  5. Cover and continue to cook on medium/low until sausage is heated.
  6. I used a strainer to take everything out of the pan to reduce the amount of liquid
  7. Season to taste
  8. Eat and enjoy

~Tricia

Marital Monday: Don’t Talk Just Listen

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shhI don’t know if it is because I am a Social Worker but I always feel the need to give advice when my husband is talking. Okay! I must be honest. I just don’t give advice. I totally assess what he is saying and give him a full out treatment plan. This works well when he asks me for my help but many times he just wants to vent to his wife about whatever is on his mind.

It didn’t hit me that this was a problem until a few months ago when he told me flat out he finds himself not wanting to share things with me because I go so deep into what he is saying. It really made me think. Never do I want to be so annoying that my husband does not want to communicate things that are on his mind. I am his wife not his therapist.

Am I the only one that does this? I don’t think so. Social Worker or not, I think this is something that many wives do and many husbands find annoying. Many times, as women we feel we need to be a problem solver. Well, I have news for you many times our husbands just want us to be a listening ear. Whether he wants to talk about work, family, aspirations, or whatever, we just need to listen.  We get on our husbands for not wanting to communicate but never do we take a look at how we respond when they do communicate. When we do this it is as if we are saying that they are incapable of problem solving on their own. We are treating them like our child not our spouse (which is a different post for a different day, lol).

Because of my inability to just sit and listen I took away my husbands desire to talk to me. I am just grateful that he was honest enough to let me know how he felt so that I could work on it.  That showed me that he wants to be able to share things with me. As I am typing this I am finding myself tearing up at that thought of how things could have been had my husband never communicated his frustration with me. There would have been a lull in communication between us.  Communication is a NECESSITY.  Many marriages fall apart without it.

So now I just listen. I enjoy just listening. I may ask a question here or there for clarification but that is about it. I have faith that my husband values my opinion enough that when he would like it he will ask for it, and he does. This simple change has really helped us. I can tell he enjoys talking to me now because he does it more often.

Think about how you respond when your husband tries to talk to you. Do you cut him off and rail off all the things he should do or should have done? If the answer is “yes”, then this post is for you. Try to just listen. You may be surprised that as he is talking out whatever it is, he will probably come to the same solution you would have offered on his own.

~Tricia

Marital Monday: Job Descriptions

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The other day my husband was saying how his yearly self evaluation at work was due. We began to joke about self evaluating ourselves as spouses. That conversation led me to thinking.

In every job there is a job description. The job description includes several things but the overall purpose of the job description is to provide the individual with a blueprint of what the position they are holding/ applying for requires.  If you are hired it is assumed that your education and experience has qualified you to be able to fulfill the responsibilities outlined in the job description. Now let’s take it a step further.  By you accepting the position you displaying confidence in your self. You are saying that you are confident that you can satisfy what is outlined in the description. What would be the point in accepting employment for a position that you do not feel confident in?

The same principle applies in marriage. By the two of you agreeing to get married you are saying that you can carry out the duties of the job description for being a wife and a husband. However, no two job descriptions are the same. They are unique to the couple. It is not something that was written down it was more of a discussion. While getting to know one another you discussed what attributes you wanted in your potential spouse, this was the job description.

So you both accepted the positions of husband and wife. Now what? Well, it is time for the self evaluations. When I was working and did a self evaluation I would always have the job description next to me to serve as my outline. I would go through it and assess if I was effectively carrying out its requirements.  Do you do that with your position in your marriage? For example, you know your spouse enjoys cuddling. That would be part of the job description that you accepted and felt confident you could carry out. Now self evaluate. Do you spend time during the week cuddling with your spouse? On a scale of 1 – 5, 1 being “improvement needed” and 5 being “excellent work”, where do you stand.

Unlike a self evaluation at work the one in marriage is more of a mental one. If you want to write stuff down you can feel free. But you don’t have to. You know your spouse and the things they would like from you.You used to do those things in the beginning. That is part of what connected you to one another in the first place. You met someone that made you feel great and fell in line with the “job description” in your mind for a potential mate.

It is extremely important that we take time and self evaluate ourselves as a husband or wife. We make the time to do this for the positions we hold outside the home.  While you are self evaluating make sure you are being honest with yourself. You know if there are areas where improvement is needed.Also it is equally important that you continually communicate your needs to your spouse. As we grow our needs may change. We need to communicate those changes and “update” that job description.

Give this a try.  I do not write these posts for just you. I write them to improve my own marriage as well. Every marriage can use encouragement and tips to make it more successful. I hope you enjoy reading these as much as I enjoy writing them.

 

~Tricia