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A Labor of Love

/ Patricia M / Leave a comment

heart-1280525_960_720If someone asked me to define the phrase, “a labor of love”, I would say it means hard work you do because you enjoy it not because you will receive praise or any compensation for it.

For me marriage is a labor of love. It takes hard work as well as continuous effort but I do it because I enjoy a happy marriage and the key to that for me other than God’s presence in our marriage is ensuring my husband’s happiness.  I can not imagine what it would be like if I did not make any efforts to make him happy.  It is not something I have to do but it is something I enjoy doing.  For instance, I know my husband enjoys taking lunch to work rather than having to buy it. So it only makes sense for me to cook so that he has something to take to work. Do I always enjoy the act of cooking? No.  But I enjoy providing him with lunch to take.  See how that works?

Do you do what it takes to make your spouse happy? Do you put in the work?  Envision what it would be like in a marriage if you focus on making your wife/husband happy and they focus on making you happy.  It would be amazing. I am not saying your marriage will be perfect. Of course conflicts will still arise, no marriage is without them (if you do not know how to effectively resolve conflicts get some ideas here). But putting in the work and effort is a great start to having a more positive marriage.

Now the second part of this phrase is putting in the work not to receive praise for it. I do not expect my husband to go to work everyday sit at the table with his friends and smack and lick his lips after every bite talking about how good it is that his wife cooked for him. That would be ridiculous.  The efforts we put in should not be done for praises.  However, appreciation is always welcomed and should be expressed.

What are things you do as a labor of love? What do you enjoy doing for your spouse? Do you do it just for praise? Take time to reflect on the questions and ponder over your answers. If necessary make some changes and you may just be pleasantly surprised by the results.

 

~Tricia

 

 

Marital Monday: The Empty Nest

/ Patricia M / Leave a comment

 

Over the next few months many couples will be entering a new phase. Some of your children may be graduating high school and going away to college.  Others may be graduating college and have decided to relocate. Whatever the reason, when your children are no longer in the home you have entered the “empty nest” phase of your marriage. I am nowhere near entering this phase, lol. The closest I have come is explained in my post “Empty Bed Syndrome for Parents“.

So back to becoming empty nesters. Many couples do not realize the adjustment associated with this phase. For the past 18 years or more as a couple, your life has centered around the needs, activities, and interests of your children. Your weekends probably consisted of transporting your child to and from sports or other activities with friends.  Dinner conversations began with asking your child what’s going on at school.

Now what?

You’re alone in your house with your spouse again. The children are gone. You must relearn one another. I am sure your interests have changed from the last time it was just you and your spouse in the house. Well guess what?  Your spouse’s interests have changed also.  This is a pivotal point in your marriage.  I have seen many couples adjust to this phase easily and reconnect with one another effortlessly.   However, on the flip side I have also seen couples who realize that without the children at home they no longer have common interests decide to divorce after 20+ years of marriage.  It’s really sad when this happens. How do you avoid it?

Honestly I cannot answer the question how to avoid it.  I guess one way would be to maintain common interests with your spouse over the years whether you have children at home or not. Recognize when your interests are changing and let your spouse know, it shouldn’t be a guessing game. Listen to your spouse when they tell you ways they have changed. Appreciate each other’s changes.  If you do this now when it is just the two of you at home you won’t be like “who is this stranger, this isn’t the person I married.”

Also, have your date nights.  Read the post Steps for a Perfect Date Night for tips.  As you evolve as individuals evolve together as a couple. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

If you read the Empty Bed post I linked above I missed my son when he was finally out of our bed but it needed to happen so that my husband and I could reconnect. It was an adjustment. We needed to adjust to it just being he and I. We had to relearn simple things like cuddling with one another and taking advantage of it just being us. I imagine it will be like that but on a greater scale when we are empty nesters. I am sure the time will be here faster than I would like to believe lol.

Are you an empty nester?  What was it like for you? Share your experience with us.

~Tricia

Marital Monday: It’s More Than Just Another Year

/ Patricia M / Leave a comment

Have you ever heard the song “Anniversary” by Tony Toni Tone.  I have always loved that song. I remember years ago it was my parents anniversary and we were sitting in the living room. I turned on the stereo and that song was playing. Of course I made them get up and dance because it was their anniversary.  They happily obliged.

My husband and I just recently celebrated our wedding anniversary. We enjoyed the afternoon with just the two of us.  It was really nice. Something you may not realize is that my birthday is 8 days before our anniversary which is fun for me but not my husband, lol.

This year after celebrating both of these occasions I started thinking. I always get super excited for my birthday. I reflect on my past year and make goals for the new year to come. I am sure many of you do the same. However, when our anniversary comes we enjoy one another and reminiscence about our wedding day and it usually ends there.  I am sure many of you do that as well. I find many couples celebrate their anniversary with a dinner or a trip and then leave it as that. They go on with the rest of the year with just another number added to their years of marriage.

As individuals all through the year we are continually trying to make the current year better than the previous by working towards the goals we came up with on our birthday. What if we put this same practice in place in our marriages? Let’s try it.

Be excited! We must stop looking at it as just “another” year of marriage.  It is a NEW year.  A new year of marriage that you have never seen before as a couple. Vow to make it better than the previous year.  Come up with marital goals you will be committed to work towards to achieve as a couple. Make up realistic goals but keep it interesting. Have the attitude that together the both of you can accomplish the impossible!

My prayer for you as well as myself is that in this new year of marriage you accomplish amazing things a couple. You rely on one another, encourage one another, motivate and inspire one another. Treat this year like something new! Stop treating it like just another year.

~Tricia

Marital Monday: 7 Tips For a Happy Marriage

/ Patricia M / Leave a comment

Recently I came across this article on the kidspot website and wanted to share it with you for this week’s Marital Monday.

7 Tips for a Happy Marriage

By Joanna Bounds

Even though we all hope our marriage will last forever, a third of marriages end in divorce, according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics. “Tough spots will always occur – one partner might get sick, get the sack, or need to attend to a dying parent,” says psychologist Meredith Fuller, explaining that every union will go through happy and hard times. A long-lasting marriage needs commitment, good communication and a good dose of love and affection. Try these seven tips for a happy marriage:

Create your own rituals

It could be as simple as making your husband a coffee in the morning while he lets you lie in at the weekend. Whatever you choose, a ‘couples’ ritual is a way to connect with your partner in the madness of a busy life. “The comfort of little rituals are trust giving, safety maintaining, and love enhancing – these things help us get through the day in the outside world,” says Meredith. “If your partner says they love you and demonstrates that with consistent gestures, you can believe it.”

Learn to communicate

If you or your hubby is a poor communicator, don’t just put up with it, says Meredith – being able to talk openly with your partner is a sign of a strong marriage. “Develop your skills – go to classes, read books, observe good communicators and interview them about technique, ask for feedback, practice,” she advises. “Communication skills enhance all areas of your life – home and work. Get cracking – no excuses.”

Money matters

We usually handle money in the same way as our family did, and often assume our way is best. Not so, says Meredith, who advises discussing your views on paying bills, saving and credit cards before you tie the knot. “You need to come up with the new blended way you both will do things. It’s easy to have a major joint account where you both must tell each other what you do, and a slush fund minor private account each where you can be yourself without having to justify what you spend.”

Respect and affection are deal breakers

Small gestures matter – if you want your marriage to last, keep reminding each other that you love each other and nurture your relationship with kind words. “You need to treat each other preciously – not for granted,” says Meredith. “Some people say ‘I love you’, and some people will show ‘I love you’ – make sure that your partner understands your message, and work out what you both need then try to accommodate each other.”

Adultery and jealousy are different things

No matter how hard a marriage may seem at times, and while having affair might be exciting, almost everyone involved – children included – are destined to be harmed. “Either you are in or out – never humiliate your partner by duplicity,” says Meredith. “On the other hand, if your partner is jealous, and there is no reason for this, nip it in the bud. It is not cute or sweet, it is inappropriate, and can lead to violence. Get help. See a counsellor, and explore the past and work on this.”

Make room for sex

If you and your hubby’s libidos are matched evenly, don’t worry if sex takes a back seat on having kids. If one wants more nookie than the other, however, Meredith advises making room for sex in a busy schedule. “That might mean getting enough rest and sleep the night before, cancelling any other commitments, getting the kids minded, turning off your phones and computers, and doing nice things to each other,” she says. “Think about what the other person wants, not just what you feel like giving. So, ask them, take it in turns and take your time.” She adds that it’s perfectly normal for sex to fall of the menu when kids come into the mix. “Sometimes you just have to hang in there because one of you is dog tired. It wont be dreadful forever – but if the drought goes on for too long, seek some assistance.”

Put your marriage first

Meredith adds that having a happy marriage means being prepared to take turns with life’s stages. “You can still work towards your goals, but maybe they will take longer to achieve, because right now you choose to help your husband study for a post grad course, or delay moving interstate so he can care for his elderly father.” And, for those bored with their partner, she says slow and steady beats the highs and lows of an anxious passion anytime. “There are two aspects that glue lovers together in the long term: like and respect.”

Marital Monday: The First Year

/ Patricia M / Leave a comment

Not long ago I was speaking to a young man who was in his second year of marriage. I asked how married life was treating him. I was surprised by his response. He said that things were going well now but that the first year was really rough. I didn’t expect that kind of honesty from him because we are nothing more than acquaintances.  I figured he would give the standard response of “It’s great” and keep it moving. Then I thought about the purpose of me asking if I only expected a generic response. I guess I was just trying to make conversation.

I thought back to our first year of marriage. I wouldn’t say it was really rough but there were issues that needed to be worked out. My husband nor I had ever lived with anyone other than college roommates before getting married. We both had to learn to adjust to sharing our space. We also had to get used to each others’ habits. During that time we learned new things about each other that didn’t come up while we were dating. We are still learning things about each other.

Think about it. You meet a total stranger and then you fall in love, get married and now live together. A few years prior you didn’t even know this person existed.   So yes, that first year is one of transition and learning. At the same time it is also fabulous.  You are waking up with this person that you love daily and celebrating a year full of “firsts” as a married couple.  I just asked my husband how he would describe our first year and the first thing that came out of his mouth was “fast”, lol.  It did go by fast.

It is important to take time and reflect on previous years of marriage if anything you do this to see how far the two of you have come as a couple.  Hopefully the issues you had then are no longer issues now.

Think back. What was your first year like?

 

~Tricia

Marital Monday: Job Descriptions

/ Patricia M / Leave a comment

The other day my husband was saying how his yearly self evaluation at work was due. We began to joke about self evaluating ourselves as spouses. That conversation led me to thinking.

In every job there is a job description. The job description includes several things but the overall purpose of the job description is to provide the individual with a blueprint of what the position they are holding/ applying for requires.  If you are hired it is assumed that your education and experience has qualified you to be able to fulfill the responsibilities outlined in the job description. Now let’s take it a step further.  By you accepting the position you displaying confidence in your self. You are saying that you are confident that you can satisfy what is outlined in the description. What would be the point in accepting employment for a position that you do not feel confident in?

The same principle applies in marriage. By the two of you agreeing to get married you are saying that you can carry out the duties of the job description for being a wife and a husband. However, no two job descriptions are the same. They are unique to the couple. It is not something that was written down it was more of a discussion. While getting to know one another you discussed what attributes you wanted in your potential spouse, this was the job description.

So you both accepted the positions of husband and wife. Now what? Well, it is time for the self evaluations. When I was working and did a self evaluation I would always have the job description next to me to serve as my outline. I would go through it and assess if I was effectively carrying out its requirements.  Do you do that with your position in your marriage? For example, you know your spouse enjoys cuddling. That would be part of the job description that you accepted and felt confident you could carry out. Now self evaluate. Do you spend time during the week cuddling with your spouse? On a scale of 1 – 5, 1 being “improvement needed” and 5 being “excellent work”, where do you stand.

Unlike a self evaluation at work the one in marriage is more of a mental one. If you want to write stuff down you can feel free. But you don’t have to. You know your spouse and the things they would like from you.You used to do those things in the beginning. That is part of what connected you to one another in the first place. You met someone that made you feel great and fell in line with the “job description” in your mind for a potential mate.

It is extremely important that we take time and self evaluate ourselves as a husband or wife. We make the time to do this for the positions we hold outside the home.  While you are self evaluating make sure you are being honest with yourself. You know if there are areas where improvement is needed.Also it is equally important that you continually communicate your needs to your spouse. As we grow our needs may change. We need to communicate those changes and “update” that job description.

Give this a try.  I do not write these posts for just you. I write them to improve my own marriage as well. Every marriage can use encouragement and tips to make it more successful. I hope you enjoy reading these as much as I enjoy writing them.

 

~Tricia

 

Marital Monday: Pick and Choose Your Battles

/ Patricia M / Leave a comment

“The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook”

~ William James

Recently, I was reading an article interviewing married couples who had been married for a number of years. They were asked questions about how they met, how they knew they found “the one”, and some others. What stood out to me was the repetitive answer to this question, “What advice would you give to other couples?”  Although each couple was interviewed independently from the other couples many of them gave the same advice. That advice was to pick and choose your battles.

Pick and choose your battles.

PICK and CHOOSE your battles.

What does that mean? Are we supposed to just accept things in our marriage that we don’t like? When our spouse does something that hurts our feelings are we just supposed to sit quietly and let it happen over and over?

No.

It simply means not everything is worth fussing over. If you want a harmonious home you can not nit pick every thing that your spouse does. For example, Rick (my husband) does not care to sit and watch commercials. I learned this early on. If a commercial comes on he will change the channel to watch something else while mentally timing when the program we are watching should be back on at which point he will change the channel back. I on the other hand will just sit and wait till the commercials are over.  I am not of fan of the switching back and forth but am I going to complain about it every time he does it? What would that do but annoy him which in turn will cause me to become annoyed at his annoyance. Why go through all of that? Instead, I just sit and watch whatever he changes the channel to since he always turns back in time for our program to come back on.  Does he complain every time I leave tea wrappers on the counter (which is pretty often)? No. He picks them up and throws them away.

You have to pick and choose your battles. Not everything should be a complaint. As a woman I think I can say honestly that we are more prone to nag than men. Ladies I know you are rolling your eyes at me now but it is true. You know it is. Men, you can stop nodding in agreement, lol.

Ladies, whether you know it or not your husband tunes you out after a while when you complain about everything he does that might cause you both warranted and unwarranted frustration. So when there is a serious issue that is bothering you he is not taking it as seriously because to him you are just nagging again. Try to stop nit picking over the little things and only bring to his attention when you have a genuine concern. He will be more apt to listen and resolve the issue because he will not see it as you just complaining like you always do.  Husbands, if you are a nit picker the same applies to you. Give it a try and see the results. You will find a more harmonious marriage.

So in years to come if my husband and I are ever being interviewed and the question is asked of what advice would I give other married couples. I think I would give the same response.

Pick and choose your battles.

~Tricia

MARITAL MONDAY: Try to be a Better Spouse

/ Patricia M / Leave a comment

I can not believe it is December 29, 2014.  Where has this year gone? Did you make any resolutions this year? I usually do not.  But for this new year I think I am going to make some marital resolutions. Not things for my husband and I to do together but things that I could do to make me a better wife.

I think I am a pretty good wife already and I hope my husband would agree, lol.  However, there is always room for improvement. There are always ways that you can be better spouse.  From communicating better to bringing home flowers just because. It goes for both husbands and wives.

You know your spouse! You know what you do that puts a smile on their face. You also know what you do that makes them frown. So try to make them smile more and frown less. If you are having a hard time coming up with something simply think of ways you can help alleviate some of the things that cause your spouse stress. I am sure your spouse would appreciate whatever you come up with.

If you choose to you can share your resolutions with your spouse, but I do not think it is necessary. I don’t plan to share mine. I should not have to tell my husband how I intend to be a better wife.  This is something that has to be shown.  I am so excited for 2015. I firmly believe that the best is yet to come for myself, my marriage, our family, and this blog.

I pray many blessings are showered upon you all in this new year!

~Tricia

Marital Monday: 10 Biblical Rules For a Happy Marriage

/ Patricia M / Leave a comment

 

  1. Never bring up mistakes of the past.
    Stop criticizing others or it will come back on you. If you forgive others, you will be forgiven (Luke 6:37).
  2. Neglect the whole world rather than each other.
    And how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul in the process? (Mark 8:36)
  3. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.
    And don’t sin by letting anger gain control over you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry (Ephesians 4:26).
  4. At least once a day, try to say something complimentary to your spouse.
    Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Proverbs 15:4).
  5. Never meet without an affectionate welcome.
    Kiss me again and again, your love is sweeter than wine (Song of Solomon 1:2).
  6. “For richer or poorer” – rejoice in every moment that God has given you together.
    A bowl of soup with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate (Proverbs 15:17).
  7. If you have a choice between making yourself or your mate look good, choose your mate.
    Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it’s in your power to help them (Proverbs 3:27).
  8. If they’re breathing, your mate will eventually offend you. Learn to forgive.
    I am warning you, if another believer sins, rebuke him; then if he repents, forgive him. Even if he wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, forgive him (Luke 17:3,4).
  9. Don’t use faith, the Bible, or God as a hammer.
    God did not send His Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it (John 3:17).
  10. Let love be your guidepost.
    Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged (1 Cor. 13:4,5).

**Courtesy of CBN.com**

Marital Monday: Conflict Resolution!!

/ Patricia M / 1 Comment

 

I am a Social Worker. Have I told you that? Well, currently I am a stay at home mom of 2 but, being a Social Worker is one of those things that you just don’t stop being. When I met my husband I was working as a School Social Worker. As a SSW part of my job was to mediate conflict resolution between students. If students were getting into it they would come to my office and I would pull out my beautifully laminated cards that had the steps for conflict resolution.marriage cartoon

Fast forward to present day. Where the heck are those cards?  You would have think that conflict is easily resolved between my husband and
I because of my astute knowledge of conflict resolution. After all, I have been trained to listen to others and assess emotional needs. NOT!

Here is how conflict is has been resolved between us. I raise my voice.  He walks away or shuts down.  Rick, that’s my husband, told me very early on that he does not argue. I don’t see my self as an arguer so I thought I understood what he meant. Then one day I got upset about something and raised my voice. He did not raise his back and simply walked away. He reminded me that he does not argue. Even when I don’t raise my voice and bring up an issue I have he tends to shut down because he does not like conflict. I totally respect and appreciate this trait because a memory our children will not have when they grow up is that of quarrelsome parents. However, this is not an effective way to communicate. Neither of our ways are.

I should not raise my voice to my husband and he should not avoid addressing an issue. So what do we do. I thought about it and remembered the steps to good ole’ conflict resolution.

  1. STOP – Just stop! Before the conflict gets any worse. If you feel like there is a issue that has the potential to turn heated, just stop. Cool off. You have a much better chance of talking it over if you just take a couple of deep breaths. This is what my husband does which makes perfect sense. The only problem is, is that this is the only step he takes.
  2. SPEAK – Take turns talking about what the issue is. Calmly. Talk about what would make each of you happy. With students I would encourage the use of “I” messages. Some examples are: “I feel….” or I did not like…..”. Just start with “I”.
  3. REPEAT – Repeat what it is you heard one another say to avoid any misunderstandings.
  4. APOLOGIZE – Take ownership for your part in the conflict and apologize sincerely.
  5. THINK – Now that you both know what the other wants, how can you meet your spouse’s needs regarding the situation? What would be a positive outcome to ensure you are both satisfied? Decide on a solution together. Try writing down the solution as a reminder of what it is you have agreed to do.
  6. FORGIVE – In marital terms this would be “kiss and make up”. Forgive whatever it is your spouse apologized for.  This is your friend, lover, confidant, soul mate, etc. You should be able to resolve your issues and forgive one another.
  7. PRAY – I just added this one. Pray together about the resolution that you both just went through.  Pray that your solutions will be effective and cause a positive change within your marriage.

No marriage is without conflict. It is how you choose to handle the conflict that determines how big it grows. Don’t just yell and don’t just walk away. Address it in an effective way. If this is what our children are being taught to do in schools then this should be what we are modeling for them at home.

~Tricia