Marital Mondays: Has Your Spouse Become Your Friend? Part 2

So after reading the previous post (Has Your Spouse Become Your Friend? Pt 1) you realize that you and your spouse are headed towards the friend zone. You are wondering how this has happened, and what you can do to stop it. It’s not to late. As I said earlier, if you both still have that burning desire for one another than you can get back to where you once were.

First change your expectations. Expect more from one another. You had high expectations before you got married so why have they changed. Expect to spend time together. Expect to communicate with one another. Expect your spouse to be your emotional support.  When you begin to expect less in a marriage you will get less.

I know that life gets in the way. You go to work all day or if you are a stay at home mom like me you are home all day with the kids, and both can be very draining. When you come together with your spouse in the evening you are both exhausted. You eat, play, and put the kids to bed. Now your both tired and want to relax. He wants to watch Monday night football or the DIY channel and she wants to catch up on her favorite housewives and the Wendy Williams shows that are on the DVR. So you retire to different areas in the home. Gone are the days where you are both cuddled on the couch together under a blanket watching a movie.

GET BACK TO THAT!!!!!! Designate a day of the week for a movie night. Whatever day works best for the two of you. You might even want put the kids to bed a little earlier on that night. Pick out the movie in advance (you don’t want to spend time that night deciding what the movie will be) all you are interested in is getting to the couch to cuddle up. Also, set a time to meet on the couch. That will make it feel even more like a date. Just because you are married does not mean that dating stops.

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Talk to each other. Continue to be interested in each others hopes and dreams. Sending a text or an email during the day also goes a long way. When I see I have an email from my husband I drop what I am doing to read it because that is not something that happens often and it brings me back to when we first met. We met blindly (via phone) through a mutual friend. We lived in different states and communicated over the phone and through email for a month before we physically met.  When I get an email from him it takes me back to that time. I have all of our emails saved and where they once filled my inbox, over the past 5 years they have become few and far between so when I do get one it makes me smile. So send something to let your spouse know you are thinking of them. Even if it is just “Hi Babe, I love you.”

Now for the good stuff…lol.

How does that Oliva Newton-John song go?

“Let’s get physical, physical
I wanna get physical
Let’s get into physical
Let me hear your body talk, your body talk
Let me hear your body talk”

I know, I know I am showing my age, lol.  But seriously, we are talking about your spouse. Your helpmate. The love of your life. GET PHYSICAL!

Every now and then my husband and I get into that routine of the 4 pecks. What is that you ask? It is when you can predict those 4 kisses you get during the day.

  1. When you leave each other in the morning
  2. When you come back together in the evening
  3. One random one, perhaps after dinner
  4. When you say goodnight

You’re sitting there counting in your head the amount of times you and your spouse kiss during the day aren’t you? You can admit it, it is 4 isn’t it? And they are not even real kisses, they are just quick pecks. Now that you realize you are in the routine of the 4 pecks, fix it.  How about turning at least one of those pecks into a deeper more passionate kiss. Don’t be shy. Have fun with it.

Another thing you can do is try committing do doing something intimate everyday for 7 days. Remember this list from Part 1?

  • Holding hands
  • Sweet talk
  • Kissing
  • Cuddling
  • Fondling
  • Having sex

It doesn’t have to be making love every night but hey if you can do it, go for it, lol. Just something intimate and passionate. It is important to take and make the time to be intimate with one another in a marriage.I know it may not always be easy. Some of you may even have kids in your bed. We have been there. Get creative you have other rooms in your home dont you?  Use your imagination! And eventually GET YOUR BED BACK. If you want a laugh read my Empty Bed Syndrome post.

So as I conclude this post, think about what you read. If you feel like you can relate to these posts, share them with your spouse. Remember to communicate. It’s time for you to stop being friends and start being spouses.

~Tricia

Marital Monday: Has Your Spouse Become Your Friend?

Recently I heard a woman say that it seemed like her marriage was in a rut and she and her husband have become just friends.  To me this is no good. Should you BE friends with your spouse? Of course!  Should you BECOME friends with your spouse?  No!  In relationships, the one thing that neither party wants to hear from the other is the that dreaded 7 words, “I think we should just be friends”. Marriage is no different. Becoming friends with your spouse is a step back.

The Shift

Friendship is what should start the relationship. It is the foundation. As cliché as it sounds, you should be friends first. The key word being first. As a friendship both parties may begin to develop romantic feelings or a “spark” may start to evolve. These feelings cause a shift in expectations as well as behaviors.

Expectations

Once you have decided to be “more than friends” your expectations should change. You should begin to expect more from one another in some of the following ways:

  • Communication
  • Emotional Support
  • Time spent together
  • Familial involvement

Behaviors

On to behaviors. After you have evolved into a relationship your behaviors towards one another also evolve. You have verbally expressed your feelings through sharing your expectations and you now have the desire to express your feelings in other ways. Affection and intimacy is now being added by engaging in any of the following:

  • Holding hands
  • Sweet talk
  • Kissing
  • Cuddling
  • Fondling
  • Having sex

Note: I am not saying that when moving a relationship beyond just friends you must do all the above. I am saying that affection and intimacy may be expressed through any of the above.

These things don’t typically occur when just friends.

Friend zone = Danger zone

So let’s get back to becoming friends with your spouse. Do you see how becoming friends with your spouse is a dangerous place to be? I just listed ways that a friendship may change when you just take things to the next level. Marriage is the ultimate level of a relationship and requires the largest commitment of all the things listed and much much more. At this point you are married and definitely should be engaging in all of the above. If you feel that you and your spouse are back in the friend zone that means your exceptions of what you require from one another has decreased and the affection and intimacy (or “spark”) is diminishing.  When you require less at some point you begin to care less and that is a dangerous place for spouses to be.

What now?

So where do you go from here? Well I don’t believe it is too late as long as both parties have the desire and passion to get out of the friend zone. In most cases it was not consciously decided to go from spouses to friends. Life happened. Children, work, or other responsibilities took priority over your relationship with one another.

Next week for the Marital Monday feature I will share some ideas I came up with of how to get your marriage out of the friend zone.

Stay tuned 

update: Here is  Has Your Spouse Become Your Friend? pt 2

~Tricia