Marital Monday: Adjectives

An adjective is defined as a word used to describe a person, place or thing. ¬†Who remembers this Grammar Rock Video ūüôā

The other day I asked my husband for 3 adjectives that he thought described me. He did and I was surprised at his word choices. ¬†What I found interesting is that 2 out of the 3 words he used I¬†did not feel described me. How was it that he saw these great qualities that I did not see myself? ¬†I asked him if he was just being nice and he said he wasn’t. ¬†You know sometimes husbands tend to tell us what we want to hear, lol. ¬†Maybe he chose those 3 adjectives because that is how he would like me to be, that’s a thought.

Either way, he did his job as a spouse. ¬†Spouses are supposed to make one another want to be better people. ¬†That is what I took away from our conversation. I want to be those adjectives that he used to describe me. ¬†In fact, I was already in the process of trying to find new adjectives that I would like to use to describe me. ¬†I know that sounds strange, but it is true. ¬†For instance, one of the¬†adjectives I have always used to describe myself is impatient. And as a result, I have always been impatient. ¬†After all these years I finally realized that I need to change my adjectives. ¬†I am going to start using the word “patient” to describe myself and start becoming a more patient person. Lets stop using negative adjectives to describe ourselves.

Think about the adjectives you use to describe yourself.  Ask your spouse or those close to you what adjectives they would use to describe you.  You may be surprised, hopefully pleasantly surprised, lol.

~Tricia

Marital Monday: Sharing Emotions vs Sharing Information

I once read somewhere that, “women use words to share emotions, while men use words to share information.”

I must say I found this¬†saying to be very true in the early part of my marriage. I have always found Rick to be a great communicator. That was one of the qualities¬†that initially attracted me to him. ¬†However, I don’t think it was until after we were married that I realized we use words differently. The majority of his communication was¬†him sharing information, and the majority of mine was me sharing my emotions.

Before I realized we communicated differently I would often find myself getting frustrated. There were times where I would even feel a disconnect because I would notice something would¬†be on his mind but when I asked him his response would be “no, nothing is wrong” and after a lot of pestering then perhaps he would just admit to being tired. ¬†Now, Rick knows he married a social worker and it is my job to study, observe, and talk about issues. ¬†So I would wonder what the problem could be which would¬†quickly turn into ‘it must be me’ because if it wasn’t then he would tell me what was on his mind.

However, that wouldn’t be the case at all. After he realized how much I internalized his lack of communication he would tell me what the problem really was, which was usually just stress. Sometimes it would be work related and other times just the stress of being the head of household. ¬†I can imagine how difficult it must be at times to head a household. You go from just taking care of yourself to now a wife, and in time children.

Why couldn’t he just tell me that to begin with? ¬†Because that was not what he typically used his words to communicate. He used words to share¬†information.

Over the years this has changed. We both have adapted to the others’ communication style. ¬† I share more than just my emotions and he shares more than just information. However, we are still trying to understand one another’s thought processes but that is a whole different issue, lol.

How do you and your spouse share? Do you find this saying to be true?

~Tricia

 

Marital Monday: Love and Respect

I once read somewhere that wives want to feel loved while husbands want to feel respected. I must admit I often focus on the first part of that statement. I WANT TO FEEL LOVED. So, when I don’t get the amount of cuddles or tender forehead kisses I want what do I do? I get upset at my husband and question his love. How many of you do the same?¬† It is crazy that I do this because I know he loves me and is without a doubt in love with me.

What dawned on me was that while questioning the love I know he has I am not giving him the respect he needs. In turn, he begins to feel insulted.  I realized there are much better ways to express my needs. If I want to be cuddled more then I should sit closer to him on the couch and rest my head on him.  When I do this his natural reaction has always been to put his arm around me and kiss my forehead. Which is exactly what I wanted. See how easy that is! I did not accuse him of not loving me causing him to feel insulted. We are cuddled on the couch me feeling loved and him feeling respected.

Let me share this recent conversation with you:

(Background info:  My husband proposed to me at the waterfront in Jersey City over looking the Hudson with a perfect view of NYC on the other side).

(Scene:  In our home this past Saturday which was our wedding anniversary)

Me:  Honey do you feel like taking a drive?

Him: Where?

Me: To Jersey City

Him: What’s in Jersey City?

I gave him a look and immediately he apologized and said as soon as he asked that question, it hit him.¬† I¬† chucked and simply said that I wish it hit him before he asked “What’s in Jersey City?”

But that is where I left it.  I could have went in on him accusing him of not caring which would have led to him feeling insulted and disrespected.  That would not have been a fun way to start off our anniversary.

We went to Jersey City and sat on the benches where he proposed overlooking the Hudson and staring at the gorgeous structures of NYC on the other side. It was such a beautiful day! The weather totally reminiscent of the day we married which added to the delight.

Ladies, let’s try and change the way we address things. If you know and feel that your husband loves you don’t accuse him of not loving you. Approach the situation in a way that will leave you feeling loved and him feeling respected.

And husbands, express your love for your wife to your wife. We know it but we enjoy feeling it!

 

~Tricia

Marital Monday: 5 Issues Men Have With Their Wives

As I have stated before I like to observe married couples. Why do I do this? To be honest I do it to help me with my own marriage. To learn. I observe couples as a unit and I observe husbands and wives as individuals. This post focuses on some things I have learned from observing husbands ( my own included).

There are things that women do that their husbands have issues with.  Here are the 5 most common that I have noticed.

  1. Letting herself go – This is something that men usually do not admit outright but they notice. They realize that their wife now favors yoga pants over a cute pair of jeans and hats have replaced hairstyles. I can’t imagine that my husband gets too excited when he comes home to me wearing the same nightshirt and sweats that I was wearing when he went to work.
  2. Sharing marital problems with others РWhen a wife has an problem in the marriage her man wants her to communicate the issue to him, not to her girlfriends or other family members. He wants to be respected enough as her husband to be spoken to first so together they can work out the issue as a couple. He does not want her to come to him last after her thoughts have already been clouded by the opinions and advice from individuals outside of the marriage.  If the issue can not be resolved together then as a couple they should seek outside guidance from a third party they both trust.
  3. Treating him like a kid – Whether you have children or not, your husband is not one of them and does not like being treated like one. What I have realized from my husband is that it’s all in the tone. Men do not like being spoken to in the same tone that their wives use to speak to the children.
  4. Being insecure about other women – Men find it annoying when every time they mention another woman (whether it be a co-worker or a childhood friend) the conversation gets cut off because their wife begins grilling¬†them about who the woman is, what she looks like and if she has ever met her¬†before. ¬†I understand if there have been issues with trust in the past which causes the wife to feel insecure but if you have forgiven your spouse you have to trust that it won’t happen again and not expect that it will.
  5. Not showing appreciation¬†– Like women, men also like to feel appreciated. They do not like to just be told what to do or what they are not doing wrong. Men like to be appreciated for what they are doing right. When they feel appreciate they desire to do more of the “little things” grows.

Ladies, don’t worry the list of thigs we have issues with when it comes to our husbands will be done…it will just be hard to edit it to just 5 things, lol.

~Tricia

Marital Monday: Don’t Talk Just Listen

shhI don’t know if it is because I am a Social Worker but I always feel the need to give advice when my husband is talking. Okay! I must be honest. I just don’t give advice. I totally assess what he is saying and give him a full out treatment plan. This works well when he asks me for my help but many times he just wants to vent to his wife about whatever is on his mind.

It didn’t hit me that this was a problem until a few months ago when he told me flat out he finds himself not wanting to share things with me because I go so deep into what he is saying. It really made me think. Never do I want to be so annoying that my husband does not want to communicate things that are on his mind. I am his wife not his therapist.

Am I the only one that does this? I don’t think so. Social Worker or not, I think this is something that many wives do and many husbands find annoying. Many times, as women we feel we need to be a problem solver. Well, I have news for you many times our husbands just want us to be a listening ear. Whether he wants to talk about work, family, aspirations, or whatever, we just need to listen.¬† We get on our husbands for not wanting to communicate but never do we take a look at how we respond when they do communicate. When we do this it is as if we are saying that they are incapable of problem solving on their own. We are treating them like our child not our spouse (which is a different post for a different day, lol).

Because of my inability to just sit and listen I took away my husbands desire to talk to me. I am just grateful that he was honest enough to let me know how he felt so that I could work on it.  That showed me that he wants to be able to share things with me. As I am typing this I am finding myself tearing up at that thought of how things could have been had my husband never communicated his frustration with me. There would have been a lull in communication between us.  Communication is a NECESSITY.  Many marriages fall apart without it.

So now I just listen. I enjoy just listening. I may ask a question here or there for clarification but that is about it. I have faith that my husband values my opinion enough that when he would like it he will ask for it, and he does. This simple change has really helped us. I can tell he enjoys talking to me now because he does it more often.

Think about how you respond when your husband tries to talk to you. Do you cut him off and rail off all the things he should do or should have done? If the answer is “yes”, then this post is for you. Try to just listen. You may be surprised that as he is talking out whatever it is, he will probably come to the same solution you would have offered on his own.

~Tricia